Inner voice, internal monologue, internal discourse, self-talk — whatever you choose to call it — is the running verbal monologue of thoughts while we are conscious. We all have it, and it’s tied to our sense of self. While this has traditionally been thought of as a monologue, I’ve always struggled with this concept because to me, there’s more of a dialogue going on inside my mind. 

I would argue that we all have at least four inner voices:

1. The Anthropologist

2. The Bully

3. The Nurturer

4. The Child

Let me explain further. The Anthropologist is the observer, and without judgement, collects information about what is going on both internally and externally. Internal observations that The Anthropologist reports might include: feeling tired, feeling overwhelmed, or feeling happy, while external observations might include, “I don’t know a lot of the answers to this test,” “My boss seems upset,” or “that car is about to switch into my lane and cut me off.” The key is that The Anthropologist is only interested in the facts and does not cast judgement. 

The Bully, on the other hand, loves to cast judgement. The Bully loves the word “should” I like to also refer to The Bully as the “Should Monster.” The Bully blames, shames, and puts you down. When the Anthropologist observes that you do not know a lot of the answers on a test, The Bully jumps in and shames you for not studying more, and even tells you that you are stupid or a failure. When The Anthropologist observes that your boss seems upset, The Bully jumps in and says something along the lines of, “It’s probably your fault your boss is upset. What did you do this time? Maybe that task he assigned you wasn’t done well enough, or maybe you should have been more prepared.” The key is that The Bully makes you feel bad, shamed, and like you are not enough or you aren’t doing enough.

Think of The Nurturer as a loving parent or grandparent who is kind, patient, and looks out for your best interest. When The Anthropologist observes that you do not know a lot of the answers on a test, The Nurturer responds, “You thought this was going to be easier than it is, and that’s why you didn’t study more. It’s not that you are lazy, stupid, or a failure. Do the best you can, and next time, study more or try to prepare differently.” When The Anthropologist observes your boss is upset, The Nurturer says, “Well you tried your best and followed his instructions, so if he’s upset you shouldn’t take it personally. Maybe he had a rough day. Or maybe the two of you need to talk about how he would like that task done differently in the future, so you understand and can meet his expectations.” The key is that The Nurturer is on your side, builds you up, comforts you, and responds to your physical and emotional needs. 

Finally, there’s The Child. This one’s pretty self-explanatory. When The Anthropologist observes you don’t know a lot of answers on a test, The Child says, “These questions aren’t fair,” or “This test is stupid,” or “I just want to go home.” When The Anthropologist observes your boss is upset, The Child says, “My boss sucks,” or “I hate this job.” You get the idea. 

By this point you might think I’m completely crazy, and that’s okay. But know that I’m not the only person who thinks of discreet inner voices. Thom Rutledge, a renowned therapist, author, and speaker based out of Nashville, Tennessee speaks of the Inner Bully as well. And do you know what one of the most interesting things about Thom is?

He utilized his knowledge of the inner voices to recover from alcoholism. Specifically, he used his knowledge of The Bully. 

That’s right. Thom identified his Bully as the part of him that was the alcoholism and affectionately named him “Mr. Tequila.” Thom then thought of himself as a completely separate entity than The Bully, who was the alcoholism. This may sound silly, but let me explain why this is incredibly powerful.

Thom was able to have an inner dialogue with Mr. Tequila and actively verbally disagree and disobey him. He did this by first identifying the thoughts in which Mr. Tequila was speaking. Mr. Tequila would say something like, “Thom you’re having a bad day so you should just have a drink.” Then Tom would use his Nurturer voice to talk back at Mr. Tequila. He’d say something like, “Yeah I’m having a bad day but having a drink will only make it worse Mr. Tequila. So F*** off.” Throughout the process of his recovery, Thom has actively engaged with Mr. Tequila, arguing with him, disagreeing with him, and disobeying him.

Thom has now been sober for 30+ years, has become a therapist, and has helped countless people recover from alcoholism, substance abuse, eating disorders, and other conditions. Even after being sober for 30+ years and being solid in his recovery, Mr. Tequila still talks to Thom sometimes, and that’s normal. Mr. Tequila will never completely go away, but he will become dormant for long periods of time and creep up during stressful or trying times. And that’s okay, because if Mr. Tequila pays Thom a visit, it doesn’t mean Thom has to follow his orders. 

So what does this mean for you? How can you use the inner voices as a powerful tool in your own life?

Just because you do not suffer from alcoholism, substance abuse, or a different health condition does not mean you do not have an Inner Bully. We all have an Inner Bully, and it’s very unlikely that any of us will ever be able to completely silence The Bully voice. What we can all learn to do, however, is like Thom, learn to talk back at it, disagree with it, disobey what it tells us, and thus, not let it affect us. What does your inner bully tell you? 

I’ll tell you about mine. Recently, my inner bully has been criticizing me for not being further along on a grant that I am writing which will be submitted to the National Institutes of Health (NIH) in hopes to obtain a large amount of money for research funding. My husband and I recently got the sweetest, tiniest, cutest little puppy named Daphne. Getting her was one of the best things that I’ve ever done, don’t get me wrong, but as anyone who has had a brand new puppy knows, potty training, manners training, snuggling, and playing, all take time. So The Bully has been saying, “Why aren’t you further along?” “You should have more done by now.” I was starting to feel a little exhausted and overwhelmed, and then I used my Nurturer to say, “Back off Bully, I have a new puppy and it’s important to me to do my day job, be a good dog momma, and write this grant. I am dedicating 2 hours to the grant each day so that I can have it done before the submission deadline.” I can honestly say that by combating my Inner Bully, both in this situation and many others over the past several years of my life, I’ve become so much more at peace. 

Here’s how you can identify your Bully:

1. Start by thinking about your insecurities. What do you feel guilty about? What are you ashamed of? What are you hard on yourself about? What do you feel you aren’t good at or aren’t doing a good job at? Start being aware of the critical thoughts you are having. 

2. Start labeling the critical thoughts that pop into your head as the voice of The Bully. You can name the bully if you want, just like Thom named his Mr. Tequila. If it’s helpful, you can also think of the voice of the Bully as the voice of an abusive significant other. So for me, my Bully is like a total jerk of a boyfriend. 

3. Once you can regularly identify when The Bully is talking, start talking back at, disagreeing, and disobeying  her/him. 

Your Bully can be general critical thoughts, but it can also be a disease, condition, or emotion. 

If you are suffering from depression, for example, you can talk back at depression. Depression might tell you that you should just lay on the couch all day, but using your Nurturer, you might say “Depression I know you’re telling me I should lay on the couch, but I know I will feel better if I go for a short walk or run in the sunshine.” 

Hatred and lack of empathy towards others stems from hatred and lack of empathy towards ourselves.

I challenge those of you reading to identify your Bully and fight him/her with your Nurturer. I suppose the whole point of this post comes down to treating ourselves with more kindness and empathy, and conquering our bullies within to overcome whatever challenges or demons we might be facing or that might be holding us back. I really believe that hatred and lack of empathy towards others stems from hatred and lack of empathy towards ourselves. Therefore, being kinder and more empathetic towards ourselves will allow us to be kinder and more empathetic towards those around us. A win-win situation. 

Until Next Time, 

K