There’s a big gap between how highly men think of themselves and how little women think of themselves: Here’s what women can do about it

In a 2015 study, Bleidorn et al. assessed gender differences in self-esteem by having approximately one million (!) men and women, ages 16-45, from 48 different countries, complete an online survey. Results from this survey indicate the following:

Men consistently have statistically higher self-esteem than women, and this gap between how highly men think of themselves and how little women think of themselves is wider in more developed countries.

Why is it that women have lower self-esteem than men, especially in more developed countries where women have more rights?

Here’s one theory: According to Canadian Psychologist Louisa Jewell, women feel they need to be excellent in many different domains of their lives, while men feel they need to be excellent in comparatively fewer domains. Women often feel the pressure to be a successful career woman, the mom who never misses a soccer game, a star volunteer at their child’s school, a philanthropist, be thin, be fit, have no wrinkles, have perfectly manicured fingernails, be a rockstar wife, and be at Martha Stewart’s level of housekeeping, cooking, and entertaining. Sound familiar?

Men, on the other hand, tend to have a more narrow focus. Maybe it’s being excellent at their career, and being healthy & fit. Maybe it’s being a good father. Every man is different, but the point is, most men feel pressured to excel in significantly fewer domains of their lives. This is not a dig on men, nor is it meant to suggest that men are less capable or evolved at being successful at multiple different domains. It’s also not meant to suggest that all men fit this generalization. What it is meant to suggest, however, is that our society makes it easier for men to define a smaller set of domains on which to focus their energy.

Women have opened up so many opportunities for themselves in the last century (which is fantastic), but it means our roles and expectations are not as well-defined. Our responsibilities are no longer confined to homemaking and raising children. We have too many domains we feel we need to not only be good at, we need to not only be excellent at, but we need to be perfect at. And if we aren’t perfect in all of these areas, it can feel like we are failing. 

Setting expectations for ourselves to be perfect in all of these aspects of life ultimately results in self-doubt. When we are not perfect at one or more of the things on our very long list of “domains-to-be-perfect-at,” we are often left feeling that we are not enough or that we are failing in some capacity. 

Here’s what you need to know: You are enough. Since those words are easier said than believed, below is a simple strategy that can have a big effect on your happiness.

Consider letting go of the expectations you (but really society) has placed on your shoulders. Choose 2-3 domains that are really, really important to you, and focus your energy on them. Maybe you want to focus on your career, marriage, and/or kids. And maybe this means you let go of the expectation that your house will be photoshoot-ready for Good Housekeeping magazine at any given point in time. Maybe you’re okay with having your house a 5/10 clean and organized. Or maybe you’re like me, and the lowest level of cleanliness and organization you can be okay with is an 8.5/10. It’s okay to be a 3/10 philanthropist, a 7/10 community volunteer, and a 2/10 cook if there are more important domains in your life right now. Domains are transient and change over years, months, even days. 

So here’s to all the women out there…by giving yourself grace, letting go of the expectations to achieve perfection in way too many domains, and cognizantly selecting the domains that are most important to you to focus your energy on, I hope we can begin to close the gap in self-esteem that is currently observed between men and women in our world. Women are amazing, and we deserve to feel that way about ourselves.

Until next time, 

K

Bleidorn, W., Arslan, R., Denissen, J.J.A., Rentfrow, P.E., Gebauer, J. E., Potter, J. & Gosling, S.D. (2016). Age and gender differences in self-esteem – A cross-cultural window. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111, 396 – 410.